Stanley and I

Stanley at work in the 1970's

Way back over a decade ago I was about to embark on making my most ambitious film to date – The Adventures of a Plumber in Outer Space. It was another homage to the then much overlooked genre of the British sex comedy for which I had a great fondness. Specifically, the title was a direct homage to the ‘Adventures’ series of films, produced and directed by the legendary Mr Stanley Long. Stanley is I suppose the father of British sauce, having the longest sustained career in it throughout the sixties and seventies. It is perhaps the ADVENTURES films that he is best known for, but other films of his worth looking out for include SEX AND THE OTHER WOMAN (comic vignettes on relationships with women), ESKIMO NELL (a very funny spoof on the whole seventies smut film industry) and NAUGHTY (a ‘report’ on pornography and erotica).

Anyway, back to the nub of this tale.

Sometime in September 2006 a film called Primitive London was showing at the National Film Theatre (yes, I know it’s the BFI now, but I prefer the old-fashioned name) on the South Bank. This film was produced by a certain Mr Stanley Long, who was to be there in person at the screening, so I was very excited at the prospect of meeting the great man. Luckily for me, my good friend Vic Pratt (who is endlessly humiliated as Robin Evans in my films) was running the event (see, it’s all about contacts in this game) so I was allowed into the small green room for beer and wine with the special guests.
After the screening and a bit of dithering, I cornered Mr Long, away from the various minor celebs and slightly shady business associates, for a chat and he was a very polite and charming gentleman. I then gave him a DVD of CAN YOU KEEP IT UP WITH THIS THAT AND THE OTHER...? (the short film what I had produced) saying that he might find it quite interesting to watch. He put it in his pocket, promising to watch it, before ambling off to Stringfellows to celebrate Jack Cardiff’s birthday.

Stanley and I

A couple of days later, at about 9 in the morning, the phone rings.
“Hello it’s Stanley Long here...” said the voice, for it was he. He had watched the film, found it very amusing and wanted to invite me to his posh pad in Denham Village, for a bit of a chat. So, a date was arranged!

I arrived at Denham station on the agreed date. He had given me instructions to call from the station from where he would pick me up. I had heard all about his gold Bentley, so was looking forward to a ride in that. First off, I soon realised that the phone number he had given me was one digit short, so I took a few tries to get his number. I spoke to Mrs Long on the phone and apparently Stanley was out at Homebase, but he would pick me up soon… thankfully I did not have to wait long for Long to turn up. I was slightly disappointed to see him pull up not in the fabled gold Bentley but a small Smart car…

Stanley lived in Denham village which has many ties with the film industry. His next-door neighbour was Sir John Mills and Robert Lindsay (who was, of course, in Adventures of a Taxi Driver, although I doubt he talks about those days much anymore…) lived opposite. His house was a splendid place. It had a James Bond secret hideout style cellar complete with glass wall that looked into the garden pond. Best of all was his recently completed log cabin in the garden that served as his office/screening room.

We sat down in his office with a cup of tea, watched my film and chatted about my forthcoming Adventure. During our chat he took a phone call and it was… Pete Walker (director of numerous horror film in the seventies)! They discussed business on the phone whilst I sat in awe… 

Stanley was very keen on my idea and thought it had potential. He phoned his friend Michael Armstrong (director of MARK OF THE DEVIL, writer of ESKIMO NELL and various ADVENTURES), who he thought might be able to help with the acting side of things. After a couple of hours I bid farewell, with the promise of meeting again soon.

So, a couple of weeks later I met up with Michael Armstrong (in a café off Edgeware Road) who had read the script and gave me some advice on comedy in films. He also put me in touch with a couple of actors (Quinn Patrick and Kevin James who were cast in the film).

The Plunger of Perversion, yesterday

I was invited back to the Long residence a few weeks later, where he said he had some ideas for me. It was in his log cabin that we watched his film ADVENTURES OF A PRIVATE EYE, and he talked me through the scenes and gave me lots of film making advice. It was a personal film master class! Stanley had read the draft of my script and suggested some changes to the beginning. He had rewritten the first page as he thought my version was a little slow. I thought it was great that this British film legend was being so kind and generous with his time. Before I left to get on with the task of making the film, Stanley had a parting gift for me. He presented me with the actual plunger that had been stuck on girls’ behinds in Adventures of a Plumbers Mate. The Plunger of Perversion had been passed on to me and I hoped to do it proud…

Stanley in his Bentley

Armed with all this knowledge and the plunger I got on with the job of making THE ADVENTURES OF A PLUMBER IN OUTER SPACE!

I continued to correspond with Stanley during the making of the film, he would often send me titbits of advice, such as this on how to stick a plunger on a lady’s derriere:

Dear Jan

First cast a girl with a nice smooth butt...then moisten the plunger, it should stick Ok. Or lick the bum (ask wife’s permission) and this might work better (and much more Fun).

Regards Stanley

Stanley and Robin Evans

I thought it would be great if Stanley had a cameo in my film, so I wrote a special scene and he eagerly agreed to do this. It is, as far as I am aware, the only on camera role he has ever done. The role was to involve Stanley driving his gold Bentley! He plays an angry motorist who nearly runs over Robin Evans, who is running away from the alien Queen clad only in his Superman underpants…

Stanley arrived in the car at my house in Isleworth and duly did what was asked of him and his car. He delivered his one line – “Bloody hooligan!” – with aplomb. Strangely no neighbours appeared to see what was going on with this posh car and near naked man running around… As we bid farewell to Stanley after the filming he drove off and crunched the front of his car as he drove over a dip in the entrance to our road…

And so finally the film was finished and I asked Stanley to be guest of honour at the premiere screening, to which he readily agreed. Stanley said a few words about me at the beginning of the screening, for which I was touched.

Hepesh and Mrs Zucker enjoy the premiere

Stanley sent an email soon after he had seen the film:

Dear Jan

I thought your latest was excellent some very funny moments, your reaction shots have improved no end, keep up the good work looking forward to vacuum cleaner.

Best wishes Stanley

He was referring there to the, as yet, unmade sequel – The Confessions of a Vacuum Cleaner Salesman…

Sadly, Stanley died in September 2012 aged 78. I shall always remember his generosity and advice that he gave me. He was always keen to talk to me about my films and he enjoyed his experience in front of the camera.

I am sure that Sir Stanley has found a Stringfellows club wherever he is and is whooping it up with Jack Cardiff…