I thought that I would take a leaf out of The House Of Cobwebs book and take you back in time with the help of an issue of Time Out magazine that I found dated April 30th 1976, specifically to share with you the delights that could be seen at the local cinemas in London that week.
It was a great time for fans of British, and indeed European smut. The big release of the week was The Likely Lads, the film of the great british sitcom, Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads, which the usually highbrow Time Out critics give a surprisingly good review.
We start our journey in the mysterious east, At the Barking Odeon to be precise. The aforementioned Likely Lads can be seen on a double bill with the movie version of Steptoe & Son, but only until Saturday, so get your skates on quick if you want to see that. Also until Saturday is the intrigueing double bill of Brit Smut classic The Ups & Downs Of A Handyman (Certificate X. Phrooar, bound to see a fews boobies in that!) and the violent sounding Torso, an Italian Giallo movie aka Bodies Bear Traces Of Carnal Violence. It would seem that this was a cut version, but looks delightful anyway... From Sunday the lucky Barking residents can don their dirty macs to see Naughty Nurses (Directed by Don Edmonds of notorious Ilsa She Wolf Of The SS fame), I don't know much about this film but according to IMDB the plot is:Teenage nurses give love therapy. As if this wasn't enough for what I can assume was single gentlemen of a certain age in the audience it was being shown with the British made Sex Clinic, produced by Kent Walton and Hazel Adair. Even then this was a hoary old chestnut, and I can only imagine the looks on the punters faces as they quickly get deflated from the sight of Carmen Silvera (yes, her from 'Allo 'Allo) in the altogether.
And now we board the Clapham omnibus and take a trip across London to the Clapham Junction Granada where until Saturday we can view the obscure sounding X rated films Hot & Sexy and When Love Is Lust. Hot & Sexy appears to be the German Bademeister Report, whilst the other film is some kind of Italian sex comedy. No doubt they are both hilarious. I also note that this cinema is also showing the rather weighty controversial rape dramas double bill of Straw Dogs and Soldier Blue.
Over to Clapton and from Sunday to wednesday we can view some more euro sex comedy with Wife By Night and Hotel Of Free Love, which sadly for all you cine purists out there is listed as being cut and dubbed.
Ignoring the family friendly double bill of The Four Musketeers and The Plank at Croydon ABC we go to the Croydon Focus to see, from Monday, Dick Down Under aka The True Story Of Eskimo Nell and Lay Out For Five Models, of which I can find no information.
Over to Dalston and, what's this? Sophisticated smut for middle class couples with Mike Nichols Carnal Knowledge... Luckily there are also showing a kings ransom of more traditional filth with Joe Sarno's Oversexed in which a shy, withdrawn female scientist invents a formula that turns her into a horny, oversexed nymphomaniac. Sounds like my kind of film. This is on with the German Bed Bunnies, again cut and dubbed. Also on this week is the Danish 'soap opera with a lesbian theme' Threesome and, bizarrely, a biker flick from 1969 Run Angel Run.
A trip on the District Line to Ealing Studios 1 & 2 where (ignoring the undoubtedly amusing Somebody's Stolen Our Russian Spy) we can view Secrets Of Sweet Sixteen, one of the German 'Schulmadchen Report' films, described rather intrigueingly on IMDB as
'Another Ernst Hofbauer schoolgirl exploiter in the same vein as his Schoolgirl Report films, but for this one he raised the sleaze level to new heights with non-pornographic scenes of rape, pedophilia, satanic rituals, virgin sacrifice and golden showers. Despite how it sounds, these acts are played for silly comedy rather than any harsh deptictons'
If you are not spent after that you can stay on to watch Passion Pill Swingers, which is apparently dissapointing. You could then come back on Sunday for the French Clockwork Banana and Passolini rip off The Other Canterbury Tales. Clockwork Banana is also showing at Hendon Odeon with a different Passolini rip off, Decamerons Sexy Kittens.
I don't know where Ewell is but they have the excitement of It Shouldn't Happen To A Vet until Saturday.
Moving swiftly on we arrive at Hammersmith ABC for a great sounding double bill of Pete Walkers House Of Mortal Sin and obscure Blaxploitation Thomasine & Bushrod. If you are looking for something more arousing then a short trip to Hammersmith Broadway for Sexually Yours and Naughty Girls should satisfy you. Possibly.
Quickly over to the Haringey Curzon for two more euro porn quickies A Very Private Party and the German Give 'Em An Inch, aka Hausfrauen Report 3. They sure like their Reports these krazy krauts.
Next to the Harlesden Liberty, where in between screening of seemingly titleless 'Indian films' is a veritable cavalcade of classic British Sauce with Confessions Of A Pop Performer, Carry On Girls and Bless This House!
Hounslow (my beloved hometown) ABC is showing The Likely Lads with a Bob Hope film from the early seventies called Cancel My Reservation. I didn't realise he was still making films then. Anyway, it looks hilarious from what I can make out from these lobby cards that I stole the image of from the interweb. They appear to be displayed in someones toilet.
Hounslow Odeon has a great double bill of The Satanic Rights Of Dracula and Blacula, while for the lovers of 'art' cinema we have Euro porn Sexually Yours and something called The Naughty Girls, which claims to a documentary, but the BFI database has down as a MOCK documentary.
Over to Lewisham Odeon which has a film called Baby Tramp (cert X) which I would love to think is a family comedy about a the wacky adventures of a group of Our Gang style toddler hobos, but probably isn't. It is on with The Keyhole, another X rated film. These two films are super obscure as I can find no reference to them in t'internet.
Also showing is a great sounding bill of American detective comedy porn thriller Superdick and one of my all time favourites, Stanley Long's Sex & The Other Woman.
Leyton is also showing The Ups And Downs Of a Handyman, this time with a film called Weekend Swingers, which can only be a disappointment after the delirious sexual shenanigans of Handyman. Also showing is the surprisingly pornographic and sometimes nasty Brit Smut film Erotic Inferno showing with the generic sounding Euro porn Hot Acts Of Love.
Quickly over to Notting Hill for another screening of Sex Clinic, then over to the Purley Astoria to catch Ups And Downs Of A Handyman again.
Romford has a great sounding double bill of Sweden's Around the World With Fanny Hill and The Case Of The Smiling Stiffs. Then from Sunday another chance to see Sex Clinic.
Tottenham Studios is a place for for the serious perv brigade for, as well as showing Truck Stop Women and When Girls Undress, they have Studio X, which promises 'Uncensored Sex Films. Members Only'.
Finally we come to a halt on our tour of suburban cinemas at at Wimbledon to see the peculiar double bill of Ups and Downs of A Handyman and Caged Heat. I also note that they are showing the barely heard of Perter Sellers film, Where Does It Hurt.
The West End of Londinium mainly showed the latest releases, but they were pockets of porn to be had, the Astral showing They Love Sex, Lusty Lovers, Erotic Inferno and Hot Acts Of Love and the Classic Moulin with Brit sexcom I'm Not Feeling Myself Tonight and Housewives On The Job (another german 'Report'!) which apparently is cut from 84 mins to 64!
For lovers of smut it would appear that virtually every suburban picture house had a fine choice and one can only imagine the audience of greasy sideburned, mac wearing middleaged men that made up the audiences. Sadly I was only five at the time and too young to appreciate it, but when they invent the Time Machine I will be donning my beige mac and zipping back to 1976 to immerse myself in the world of Suburban Filth.
None of these films will be showing at a cinema near you soon.