Cinema: 1976!

Hello my fiends, welcome back to the world of KinoKarno...

I thought that I would take a leaf out of The House Of Cobwebs book and take you back in time with the help of an issue of Time Out magazine that I found dated April 30th 1976, specifically to share with you the delights that could be seen at the local cinemas in London that week.

It was a great time for fans of British, and indeed European smut. The big release of the week was The Likely Lads, the film of the great british sitcom, Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads, which the usually highbrow Time Out critics give a surprisingly good review.

We start our journey in the mysterious east, At the Barking Odeon to be precise. The aforementioned Likely Lads can be seen on a double bill with the movie version of Steptoe & Son, but only until Saturday, so get your skates on quick if you want to see that. Also until Saturday is the intrigueing double bill of Brit Smut classic The Ups & Downs Of A Handyman (Certificate X. Phrooar, bound to see a fews boobies in that!) and the violent sounding Torso, an Italian Giallo movie aka Bodies Bear Traces Of Carnal Violence. It would seem that this was a cut version, but looks delightful anyway... From Sunday the lucky Barking residents can don their dirty macs to see Naughty Nurses (Directed by Don Edmonds of notorious Ilsa She Wolf Of The SS fame), I don't know much about this film but according to IMDB the plot is:Teenage nurses give love therapy. As if this wasn't enough for what I can assume was single gentlemen of a certain age in the audience it was being shown with the British made Sex Clinic, produced by Kent Walton and Hazel Adair. Even then this was a hoary old chestnut, and I can only imagine the looks on the punters faces as they quickly get deflated from the sight of Carmen Silvera (yes, her from 'Allo 'Allo) in the altogether.

And now we board the Clapham omnibus and take a trip across London to the Clapham Junction Granada where until Saturday we can view the obscure sounding X rated films Hot & Sexy and When Love Is Lust. Hot & Sexy appears to be the German Bademeister Report, whilst the other film is some kind of Italian sex comedy. No doubt they are both hilarious. I also note that this cinema is also showing the rather weighty controversial rape dramas double bill of Straw Dogs and Soldier Blue.

Over to Clapton and from Sunday to Wednesday we can view some more euro sex comedy with Wife By Night and Hotel Of Free Love, which sadly for all you cine purists out there is listed as being cut and dubbed.

Ignoring the family friendly double bill of The Four Musketeers and The Plank at Croydon ABC we go to the Croydon Focus to see, from Monday, Dick Down Under aka The True Story Of Eskimo Nell and Lay Out For Five Models, of which I can find no information.

Over to Dalston and, what's this? Sophisticated smut for middle class couples with Mike Nichols Carnal Knowledge... Luckily there are also showing a kings ransom of more traditional filth with Joe Sarno's Oversexed in which a shy, withdrawn female scientist invents a formula that turns her into a horny, oversexed nymphomaniac. Sounds like my kind of film. This is on with the German Bed Bunnies, again cut and dubbed. Also on this week is the Danish 'soap opera with a lesbian theme' Threesome and, bizarrely, a biker flick from 1969 Run Angel Run.

A trip on the District Line to Ealing Studios 1 & 2 where (ignoring the undoubtedly amusing Somebody's Stolen Our Russian Spy) we can view Secrets Of Sweet Sixteen, one of the German 'Schulmadchen Report' films, described rather intrigueingly on IMDB as

'Another Ernst Hofbauer schoolgirl exploiter in the same vein as his Schoolgirl Report films, but for this one he raised the sleaze level to new heights with non-pornographic scenes of rape, pedophilia, satanic rituals, virgin sacrifice and golden showers. Despite how it sounds, these acts are played for silly comedy rather than any harsh deptictons'

If you are not spent after that you can stay on to watch Passion Pill Swingers, which is apparently dissapointing. You could then come back on Sunday for the French Clockwork Banana and Passolini rip off The Other Canterbury Tales. Clockwork Banana is also showing at Hendon Odeon with a different Passolini rip off, Decamerons Sexy Kittens.

I don't know where Ewell is but they have the excitement of It Shouldn't Happen To A Vet until Saturday.

Moving swiftly on we arrive at Hammersmith ABC for a great sounding double bill of Pete Walkers House Of Mortal Sin and obscure Blaxploitation Thomasine & Bushrod. If you are looking for something more arousing then a short trip to Hammersmith Broadway for Sexually Yours and Naughty Girls should satisfy you. Possibly.

Quickly over to the Haringey Curzon for two more euro porn quickies A Very Private Party and the German Give 'Em An Inch, aka Hausfrauen Report 3. They sure like their Reports these krazy krauts.

Next to the Harlesden Liberty, where in between screening of seemingly titleless 'Indian films' is a veritable cavalcade of classic British Sauce with Confessions Of A Pop Performer, Carry On Girls and Bless This House!

Hounslow (my beloved hometown) ABC is showing The Likely Lads with a Bob Hope film from the early seventies called Cancel My Reservation. I didn't realise he was still making films then. Anyway, it looks hilarious from what I can make out from these lobby cards that I stole the image of from the interweb. They appear to be displayed in someones toilet.

Hounslow Odeon has a great double bill of The Satanic Rights Of Dracula and Blacula, while for the lovers of 'art' cinema we have Euro porn Sexually Yours and something called The Naughty Girls, which claims to a documentary, but the BFI database has down as a MOCK documentary.

Over to Lewisham Odeon which has a film called Baby Tramp (cert X) which I would love to think is a family comedy about a the wacky adventures of a group of Our Gang style toddler hobos, but probably isn't. It is on with The Keyhole, another X rated film. These two films are super obscure as I can find no reference to them in t'internet.

Also showing is a great sounding bill of American detective comedy porn thriller Superdick and one of my all time favourites, Stanley Long's Sex & The Other Woman.

Leyton is also showing The Ups And Downs Of a Handyman, this time with a film called Weekend Swingers, which can only be a disappointment after the delirious sexual shenanigans of Handyman. Also showing is the surprisingly pornographic and sometimes nasty Brit Smut film Erotic Inferno showing with the generic sounding Euro porn Hot Acts Of Love.

Quickly over to Notting Hill for another screening of Sex Clinic, then over to the Purley Astoria to catch Ups And Downs Of A Handyman again.

Romford has a great sounding double bill of Sweden's Around the World With Fanny Hill and The Case Of The Smiling Stiffs. Then from Sunday another chance to see Sex Clinic.

Tottenham Studios is a place for for the serious perv brigade for, as well as showing Truck Stop Women and When Girls Undress, they have Studio X, which promises 'Uncensored Sex Films. Members Only'.

Walthamstow has Brit Smut comedy double bill of The Love Box and Eskimo Nell.

Finally we come to a halt on our tour of suburban cinemas at at Wimbledon to see the peculiar double bill of Ups and Downs of A Handyman and Caged Heat. I also note that they are showing the barely heard of Peter Sellers film, Where Does It Hurt.

The West End of Londinium mainly showed the latest releases, but they were pockets of porn to be had, the Astral showing They Love Sex, Lusty Lovers, Erotic Inferno and Hot Acts Of Love and the Classic Moulin with Brit sexcom I'm Not Feeling Myself Tonight and Housewives On The Job (another german 'Report'!) which apparently is cut from 84 mins to 64!

For lovers of smut it would appear that virtually every suburban picture house had a fine choice and one can only imagine the audience of greasy sideburned, mac wearing middleaged men that made up the audiences. Sadly I was only five at the time and too young to appreciate it, but when they invent the Time Machine I will be donning my beige mac and zipping back to 1976 to immerse myself in the world of Suburban Filth.

None of these films will be showing at a cinema near you soon.

.

I Love Kelton " The Cop"

Some time ago myself and my good friend Vic had a dream to produce a film magazine. This was in a time before t'internet made obscure actors and movies easy to read about or see. A time when the Scala Cinema was the mecca for Cult Film Fans and before everything became got released on DVD. Anyway, one of our all time favourite subjects were the films of Ed Wood,Jr, who I am sure you are aware is supposedly the Worst Director Of All Time (Copyright Medved Bros 1980ish). So what better as a centre piece to our filmzine than an article about the great man. During our extensive research we discovered that the actor Paul Marco, who played a character known as Kelton the Cop in at least three of Wood's films was alive and had an address in the USA that you could write to him at. This was exciting news so we set about drafting a letter with questions from which his answers would form a centrepiece to our 'zine. I have recently discovered the original manuscript that we wrote on. Of interest is the fact that it was written on the back of five stapled together 'Grand Summer Draw 1989' raffle tickets for the1st/2nd Heston Scout Group.

We excitedly sent the finished letter of to the mysterious land of the Red Indians and eagerly waited for a reply...

A year or two down the line and all thoughts of magazines and hearing from Hollywood Superstars had been quietly forgotten, until out of the blue a curious envelope thudded onto welcome mat of Vic's parents house. It was from the States and in the corner was a small sticker stating " Kelton Productions Post Office Box 38666, Hollywood CA 90038". Could it be that after all this time the legendary Paul Marco had actually answered our questions? Vic raced round to my house as fast as the local Omnibus could take him and we excitedly opened the package...

Inside was the stuff of obscure American B Movie fans dreams. First was a personal letter, neatly typed on official 'Kelton Productions' paper that answered our questions, from what were probably his stock answers that he had repeated endlessly throughout his life. The letter, though, began on a sad note:

" Dear Vic,

It's been nearly a year since I received your kind letter. I apologize for the delay. I have had a series of personal tragedies, including deaths in the family, which has set me back. I do, however, keep all of my fan mail on file and answer it all personally..."

It was heartbreaking reading about the 'personal tragedies' and gave a warm glow in hearts to think that after all this bad stuff that happened he still took time to painstaking type a reply to a bunch of limey nerds like us. He goes on to answer our questions and finishes by saying that he is developing a comedy/mystery/horror TV show called, yup you guessed it, 'I LOVE KELTON "The Cop"'. As you can imagine this show never made it past the stage of his own fevered imagination.

There were more goodies in the envelope. A resume of his career complete with autograph in ill advised red ink:

Apart from the Ed Wood films 'Bride of the Monster', 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' and 'Night of the Ghouls' ( which Marco claims form the 'Kelton Trilogy'. This is the first time I have ever heard them called this...), he has not really done that much. He was one of the original 'Meglin Kiddies', no I have never heard of them either, and " ...in New York, he appeared at a special bachelor party for The Amazing Spiderman at Nirvana Club One in Times Square...". Only one thing you can say to that... What the?!?!?!?

I realise that your adrenalin levels have peaked at the thought of all these thrilling Kelton items, but there was more to come from the envelope of delights, so brace yourself....

There was a cheap photo copied page detailing the merchandise you could get from his fan club. How I wish I had joined and received the quarterly newsletter and bumper stickers and... the I Love Kelton " The Cop " balloon. As we were dreaming of what such an item would look like, we discovered nestling at the bottom of the envelope was a red I Love Kelton " The Cop " balloon!

The balloon was treasured for many years until one day I discovered it in in the throes of advanced disintegration in the drawer of my bureau. The balloon, possibly the last (or only?) of its kind in the UK is no more.

Paul Marco (the President of his own fan club) is no longer with us, he finally met with the ultimate 'personal tragedy' in 2006. I feel proud that he spent a small part of his life to bring nerdish joy to the lives of two others...
His legacy lives on in this website dedicated to the great man. I would recommend looking at the 'Kelton's Patrol' section with photos of an aged Marco with various celebs, who we are supposed to imagine are his buddies. Sadly it appears that he has just stepped beside them and hurriedly had a picture taken before he gets hustled away by bouncers, my favourite being the one with Martin Landau...
Paul Marco, we love you.

Pete Walker at the British Film Institute

On Thursday 12th of March I went to the latest screening in the Flipside strand at the BFI (www.myspace.com/theflipsidepresents ), who are on a mission, they say, to show the craziest, grooviest most far out films around (words to that effect anyway...). Vic and Will Flipside really have shown some quite rare stuff over the years and they are great at dragging out of the woodwork some half forgotten or totally forgotten British film folk.

Pete Walker has been long overdue some reappraisal by the serious film community, although I fear that he, along with many other exploitation British film makers from the seventies will forever be overlooked in film history in favour of the usual suspects of Michael Powell, David Lean etc.

Pete Walker began his career making sex films of dubious quality but with great titles such as 'School For Sex', which despite the great promise of it's name is actually quite a chore to sit through and a personal favourite of mine, the 3D 'Four Dimensions Of Greta' (see Robin Askwith's behind coming out of the screen!). He made his name in the seventies with a string of entertaining, thoughtful and sometimes quite gory horror film including House of Whipcord, House of Mortal Sin and tonight's first offering Frightmare.

Frightmare is a tale of mad cannibalistic, electric drill using parents and the hold that they have over their children. It is effectively made, and, unlike a lot of films of this nature from that period doesn't have too many scenes that looks ridiculous and cheesy to watch in modern times (one disco scene springs to mind, unfortunately nothing dates a film like a disco scene...). There are some genuine chilling moments and surprising gore. The cast is great, especially Sheila Keith and Rupert Davies as the parents. As with most Pete walker films there was also some smashing birds, particularly Deborah Fairfax as Jackie... I was also alarmed to note that the leading man, Paul Greenwood (Graham) looked a little like me...

Fred Karno and a lady, yesterday

So at the end of the film Vic and Will welcomed Pete on stage for a short interview and audience Q and A. Pete walker answered the questions well, but he seems to have a habit of putting his work down and dismissing the thought that people should be interested in this stuff. It is clearly the case though, that he is proud of his work and the place it holds in the history of British Horror. For once the questions from the floor were thoughtful and intelligent, the resident BFI weirdo's failing to get their inane blabberings heard.

There was a rumour that the films writer, David McGillivray, was in attendance but afterwards he just seemed to disappear into the night...

As if this wasn't enough, there was another Walker film to come... a rare screening of House Of The Long Shadows. This film is the only one to unite horror legends Vincent Price, Peter Cushing, John Carradine and Christopher Lee, the first three near the end of their long distinguished careers.

Michael Armstrong, writer and director of many a legendary seventies British sex and horror film, introduced this (as writer of the screenplay) with some witty anecdotes on the perils of dealing with four big egos and settled down to watch the film that he was quite proud of.

The film itself is a bit of a curates egg. It uses every horror cliche in the book, but in a knowing manner, and celebrates the work of these four great legends, who have great fun gently sending up the genre that made them stars. Also of note in the film is the Walker stalwart Sheila Keith. A thoroughly enjoyable film, but the beginning is perhaps a little slow in introducing the main attractions and the double twist ending left me a tad confused.

All in all another top Flipside night, and I look forward to more nights of rediscovered British film fun....

Fred Karno and Pete Walker at Stringfellows, yesterday

Fred Karno Presents...

Hello folks,

Fred Karno here. You may know me as the producer of classic British Smut films 'Can You Keep It Up With This That And The Other For A Week?' and 'The Adventures Of A Plumber In Outer Space'. Or you may not.

Anyway, welcome to my new blog, here to keep you up to date on all the latest KinoKarno news and hopefully some thoughts on any other obscure film stuffs I may care write about...

Never mind Twatter and FaecesBook, good honest old fashioned blogging is the way forward...

For further information see:

http://www.freewebs.com/adventuresofaplumberinouterspace/

and

myspace.com/kinokarno

Regards,

Fred Karno