Accidentally Trendy

Please note: This is written from memory, so may not be entirely accurate, but hopefully it is.

 

I’ve never really been a big night clubber, but there was a period in the early nineties where me and a couple of pals (usually Jed and sometimes Mark I think) frequented some of the more offbeat London club nights.

This was a time when Britpop was in its infancy and easy listening or, to give its more trendy name, loungecore, was beginning to arouse interest. The easy listening boom would culminate in Mike Flowers almost topping the charts with a lounge version of Wonderwall by Oasis.

It was this kind of scene that interested me, so when we heard about a new club opening that played music of interest, we got into Jed’s parents VW campervan and went for a night out in London.

How I might have dressed for a club night

The club was called Tongue Kung Fu and was at the forefront of a renaissance of clubs whose music and general scene massively influenced the rise of Britpop. Tongue was great in the early days, before it caught on big time and had to move to a bigger venue. It played the grooviest tunes and hip kids were dressed in immaculate swingin’ sixties suits and miniskirts. Lack of photo evidence from our jaunts means I can’t fully remember what we wore, I some groovy 60’s threads, so I may well have worn them. 

Somehow us geeks had stumbled onto the beginning of some trendy new movement, so we decided to move on. The writing was on the wall when one night the actor who played Trevor Cleaver in Grange Hill showed up wearing a trench coat and with an entourage of hangers-on. Let’s just say he was acting the Big Man i.e. being a bit of a tit...

Trevor Cleaver, ages ago...

Next up in my memories of clubland is the Double Six Club. This was one that played easy listening tunes whilst you sat around and played board games. The games were all vintage ones, many based on old TV shows like Dad’s Army or It’s A Knockout and old classics such as Mousetrap and Haunted House. The games were mostly disappointing. There was an unusually high quota of vaguely famous/on-trend people at this one. Again, this club really grew in popularity. One week they were filming a piece for ITV’s ‘This Morning’ show and spoke to us for a few minutes. About a week later someone told me that we were seen on the telly that morning talking about nightclubs. I have no idea what we said and have never seen the clip...

Another disappointing game

And so we moved on, this time to my all-time favourite club of all time – Misery! Misery started out in Scotland before venturing down south and their motto was ‘This club is shit’. I had a Misery t-shirt with this motto on, but sadly it is lost. The idea was that it was indeed a miserable experience attending their night. They played a fair selection of easy listening but also some really bad stuff like Rene and Renato or Abba sung in Hindi. 

The proprietor would wander around in a dressing gown brandishing a large water pistol. We went to the opening night at The Milk Bar, and it was packed with all kinds of weirdos and celebrities. There loads of film crews there. We gave an extensive interview to Swedish TV about the London club scene. Obviously, I have never seen the interview, maybe we are cult figures in the Nordic region. Channel Four were also there, and I have recently discovered the clip and we are seen in the background!

Misery was super popular for a couple of months, but interest rapidly tailed off and attendance dwindled massively. It was moved to a smaller venue. The ‘music’ became more bizarre. Their ambition to drive people away with the most truly miserable shit music was working. We enjoyed it and stuck with it to the end. 

Me and Jed appear on a Channel 4 'entertainment' show

The final night was very poorly attended, it was pretty much just us there. I think some people wandered in every now and then, looked confused then left in a hurry. My abiding memory of that final night was the club host crawling around the floor with a toy gun whilst an LP featuring the sounds of the Vietnam war played...

Nothing could top our miserable experience with Misery, and we gradually faded away from the club scene. It was a fun time and great being at the forefront of a new scene, and indeed, becoming accidentally trendy...

Me in the background in grey coat and Jed dancing. 

Also naked people which I had forgotten about...

Robin Askwith at 70

Robin Askwith, the definitive cheeky chappie from the seventies cycle of British sex comedies, is turning 70 years old this week, and is experiencing a resurgence of interest in his film career. The Confessions series for which he is most famous are obviously not to everyone's taste, but they represent an important footnote in British film history. Along with the Stanley Long produced Adventures films and movie versions of dozens of British sitcoms, Confessions made a small fortune at the box office, helping to keep the film industry alive.

The Confessions films (Window Cleaner, Pop Performer, Driving Instructor, Holiday Camp 1974 - 1977) were a natural progression to something more racier from the fading Carry On series. Indeed, Robin had already appeared in Carry On Girls as randy photographer Larry Prodworthy (defiantly heterosexual in a time when there was a curious casting trait in sex comedies for photographers to be mincing gay stereotypes) and was starring alongside Sid James in the movie version of venerable sitcom Bless This House.

The Confessions films are remembered mostly for the sex scenes, with Robin baring his arse on numerous occasions and bevy of respected actresses showing their assets to the world. The films are easily dismissed as crude artefacts of their time but beyond the sex there lies finely crafted comedies with many funny scenes featuring the working class Noggett family - Tony Booth, Bill Maynard, Shelia White and Dandy Nichols/Doris Hare. Many of these actors have now sadly passed on and Robin is an important link to many of these British comedy greats, indeed he has many tales to tell...

The roll call of actors he worked with on these films include: John Le Mesurier, Windsor Davies, Joan Hickson, Irene Handl, Peter Jones, Lynda Bellingham, Liz Fraser, Linda Hayden, George Layton, Lance Percival, John Junkin... er... Bob Todd... and, of course, endless crumpet.

This is not the sum of all Askwith's parts though. He was also in many other films. He was one of Lindsay Anderson's regular cast of actors and had parts in the seminal If... (1968) and Britannia Hospital (1982) portraying the role of Keating in both films.

Robin was also in a trio of early seventies horror - Anthony Balch's bonkers Horror Hospital with Michael Gough, Tower of Evil from producer Richard Gordon and the Flesh and Blood Show from seventies auteur Pete Walker. It was with Walker that Askwith also made the psychedelic sex comedy thriller, Four Dimensions Of Greta (in 3D!) in 1972. Yes you can see that famous
posterior in full 'realistic' three dimensional glory.

For me though, the best of the Walker films was Cool It Carol from 1970 which was an early lead role for Askwith, barely in his twenties. The plot concerns Carol and Joe who leave their small town for London and get embroiled in the adult entertainment scene. It is a great portrayal of the seedy side of the Capital via the inevitable swinging parties.

Robin Askwith was not just a star of sex and horror though, he was also in the art house classic The Canterbury Tales from Pier Paolo Pasolini and the pair struck up an unlikely friendship.

There is one film from this prolific output that has not yet been discussed. The cultest of cult films, the baddest of bad movies.
The phenomenon that is Queen Kong! Robin deserves all the accolades on Earth for agreeing to appear in this and having the good humour to still talk about it to this day. Mr Askwith is ashamed of nothing on his CV! For those who don't know this was a shameless cash in of the disastrous 1976 big budget Kin Kong remake. It features Robin as actor Ray Fay (see what they did there?) taken to an island by feminist film maker Rula Lenska, where a giant female ape falls in love with him. The ape follows them back to London where all manner of super low budget mayhem occurs. It truly is a spectacle, of sorts, to watch...

So please revisit the films of Robin Askwith, there is so much fun to be had.

And, Sir Robin Askwith, on your 70th birthday I salute you.

Stanley and I

Stanley at work in the 1970's

Way back over a decade ago I was about to embark on making my most ambitious film to date – The Adventures of a Plumber in Outer Space. It was another homage to the then much overlooked genre of the British sex comedy for which I had a great fondness. Specifically, the title was a direct homage to the ‘Adventures’ series of films, produced and directed by the legendary Mr Stanley Long. Stanley is I suppose the father of British sauce, having the longest sustained career in it throughout the sixties and seventies. It is perhaps the ADVENTURES films that he is best known for, but other films of his worth looking out for include SEX AND THE OTHER WOMAN (comic vignettes on relationships with women), ESKIMO NELL (a very funny spoof on the whole seventies smut film industry) and NAUGHTY (a ‘report’ on pornography and erotica).

Anyway, back to the nub of this tale.

Sometime in September 2006 a film called Primitive London was showing at the National Film Theatre (yes, I know it’s the BFI now, but I prefer the old-fashioned name) on the South Bank. This film was produced by a certain Mr Stanley Long, who was to be there in person at the screening, so I was very excited at the prospect of meeting the great man. Luckily for me, my good friend Vic Pratt (who is endlessly humiliated as Robin Evans in my films) was running the event (see, it’s all about contacts in this game) so I was allowed into the small green room for beer and wine with the special guests.
After the screening and a bit of dithering, I cornered Mr Long, away from the various minor celebs and slightly shady business associates, for a chat and he was a very polite and charming gentleman. I then gave him a DVD of CAN YOU KEEP IT UP WITH THIS THAT AND THE OTHER...? (the short film what I had produced) saying that he might find it quite interesting to watch. He put it in his pocket, promising to watch it, before ambling off to Stringfellows to celebrate Jack Cardiff’s birthday.

Stanley and I

A couple of days later, at about 9 in the morning, the phone rings.
“Hello it’s Stanley Long here...” said the voice, for it was he. He had watched the film, found it very amusing and wanted to invite me to his posh pad in Denham Village, for a bit of a chat. So, a date was arranged!

I arrived at Denham station on the agreed date. He had given me instructions to call from the station from where he would pick me up. I had heard all about his gold Bentley, so was looking forward to a ride in that. First off, I soon realised that the phone number he had given me was one digit short, so I took a few tries to get his number. I spoke to Mrs Long on the phone and apparently Stanley was out at Homebase, but he would pick me up soon… thankfully I did not have to wait long for Long to turn up. I was slightly disappointed to see him pull up not in the fabled gold Bentley but a small Smart car…

Stanley lived in Denham village which has many ties with the film industry. His next-door neighbour was Sir John Mills and Robert Lindsay (who was, of course, in Adventures of a Taxi Driver, although I doubt he talks about those days much anymore…) lived opposite. His house was a splendid place. It had a James Bond secret hideout style cellar complete with glass wall that looked into the garden pond. Best of all was his recently completed log cabin in the garden that served as his office/screening room.

We sat down in his office with a cup of tea, watched my film and chatted about my forthcoming Adventure. During our chat he took a phone call and it was… Pete Walker (director of numerous horror film in the seventies)! They discussed business on the phone whilst I sat in awe… 

Stanley was very keen on my idea and thought it had potential. He phoned his friend Michael Armstrong (director of MARK OF THE DEVIL, writer of ESKIMO NELL and various ADVENTURES), who he thought might be able to help with the acting side of things. After a couple of hours I bid farewell, with the promise of meeting again soon.

So, a couple of weeks later I met up with Michael Armstrong (in a café off Edgeware Road) who had read the script and gave me some advice on comedy in films. He also put me in touch with a couple of actors (Quinn Patrick and Kevin James who were cast in the film).

The Plunger of Perversion, yesterday

I was invited back to the Long residence a few weeks later, where he said he had some ideas for me. It was in his log cabin that we watched his film ADVENTURES OF A PRIVATE EYE, and he talked me through the scenes and gave me lots of film making advice. It was a personal film master class! Stanley had read the draft of my script and suggested some changes to the beginning. He had rewritten the first page as he thought my version was a little slow. I thought it was great that this British film legend was being so kind and generous with his time. Before I left to get on with the task of making the film, Stanley had a parting gift for me. He presented me with the actual plunger that had been stuck on girls’ behinds in Adventures of a Plumbers Mate. The Plunger of Perversion had been passed on to me and I hoped to do it proud…

Stanley in his Bentley

Armed with all this knowledge and the plunger I got on with the job of making THE ADVENTURES OF A PLUMBER IN OUTER SPACE!

I continued to correspond with Stanley during the making of the film, he would often send me titbits of advice, such as this on how to stick a plunger on a lady’s derriere:

Dear Jan

First cast a girl with a nice smooth butt...then moisten the plunger, it should stick Ok. Or lick the bum (ask wife’s permission) and this might work better (and much more Fun).

Regards Stanley

Stanley and Robin Evans

I thought it would be great if Stanley had a cameo in my film, so I wrote a special scene and he eagerly agreed to do this. It is, as far as I am aware, the only on camera role he has ever done. The role was to involve Stanley driving his gold Bentley! He plays an angry motorist who nearly runs over Robin Evans, who is running away from the alien Queen clad only in his Superman underpants…

Stanley arrived in the car at my house in Isleworth and duly did what was asked of him and his car. He delivered his one line – “Bloody hooligan!” – with aplomb. Strangely no neighbours appeared to see what was going on with this posh car and near naked man running around… As we bid farewell to Stanley after the filming he drove off and crunched the front of his car as he drove over a dip in the entrance to our road…

And so finally the film was finished and I asked Stanley to be guest of honour at the premiere screening, to which he readily agreed. Stanley said a few words about me at the beginning of the screening, for which I was touched.

Hepesh and Mrs Zucker enjoy the premiere

Stanley sent an email soon after he had seen the film:

Dear Jan

I thought your latest was excellent some very funny moments, your reaction shots have improved no end, keep up the good work looking forward to vacuum cleaner.

Best wishes Stanley

He was referring there to the, as yet, unmade sequel – The Confessions of a Vacuum Cleaner Salesman…

Sadly, Stanley died in September 2012 aged 78. I shall always remember his generosity and advice that he gave me. He was always keen to talk to me about my films and he enjoyed his experience in front of the camera.

I am sure that Sir Stanley has found a Stringfellows club wherever he is and is whooping it up with Jack Cardiff…

The Inspector Zucker Files

The Inspector Zucker Files is one of those TV shows that could be classed as 'missing believed wiped'. It was commissioned as a pilot episode at some point in the mid 1970's, but it is not believed that any further episodes were made. All that remains of the single episode are the opening credits. This was salvaged from an off air VHS recording from the collection of the notorious self proclaimed archivist Klaus Burgermeister. The rest of the episode appears to have to have been taped over with an episode of popular US sitcom 'That's What I'm Talkin' 'bout!'.
Little is known about the only known episode 'Return of the She-Apes!'. It does seem to offer the curious premise that there are two actors playing the title character of Inspector Zucker, although only one is credited in the title sequence.
The creator of the show, Floyd Karno (father of reclusive schlock film producer Fred Karno) died in a mysterious fire at his studio in Helsinki. All of his archives burnt with him.

As for the rest of the cast, they are either dead or refuse to talk about the show. Or they simply might have forgotten all about it.

Robert Oatman retired from acting and became a successful US Congressman. He died peacefully at the age of 87.

Roger Hinkelman was at one time a successful Broadway actor. He ended his career grinding out appearances in second rate soap opera's and B movies. At the end of his life he became embroiled in a series of sexual and financial scandals and died aged 60 in a lap dancing club, after apparently having drunk 8 carafes of house wine.

Randy McQueen claimed he was the younger brother of actor Steve McQueen, no evidence has ever surfaced to prove this though. After this show Randy drifted in and out of prison on minor charges and doesn't seem to have acted again. It is rumoured that he became a 'survivalist' and ended his life in a shootout with the US Police.

Marianne Peters and Gloria Sprinkle had a tumultuous and well documented affair for much of the 1980's, that ended in violence, prison and destitution. They recently resurfaced amid the #metoo movement and have made historical allegations against Floyd Karno and Roger Hinkleman.

Adrian Cockburn became a major figure in the Flat Earth Society and can often be seen wandering around New York City in a tin foil hat shouting conspiracy theories at passers-by.

The credit sequence promise an exciting action adventure series that, alas, we will probably never be able to enjoy.

UPDATE!

In an exciting new development, the end credit sequence has now been found in the remains of a massive house fire at the home of Klaus Burgermeister. It has been restored as music as possible and is presented to you here:

Here Comes The Eggman - A tale of Britain's Got Talent

Egg

It’s that time of the year again for the cringe fest that is Britain’s Got Talent, only this year I have an extra reason to watch it (or not watch it you may think) as I auditioned for a place this year. Madness you may think and you would be right. Somehow I managed to get through to the filmed heats with AntDec and all the so called ‘judges’. How did this happen? Read on, my friend…

Scrambled

It was shortly after the end of the last series and I was egged on by the Boy to fill out the online application form. But what was my talent? There had been vague talk in the past of the band I have been in for the last 20 years or so (The Dylan Rabbit) to enter one of their novelty music numbers, so after an equally vague agreement with my musical partner in crime – who shall be known as Roger Kaputnik (although his real name is [name deleted following legal advice]) for the purposes of this article – I duly filled out the form. It was decided to put down that we would perform a number called ‘The Egg Song’ as a duo – this entails the wearing of enormous papier-mâché egg shaped heads and various silly bits of business. So, the form was completed and forgotten about.

Fried

And lo, months passed and out of the blue in November a message from noreply@thamestv appeared in my inbox:

AUDITION LETTER ID NO. 59539

Dear Fred Karno (act leader - ACT NAME: The Dylan Rabbit Singing Orchestral Circus),

CONGRATULATIONS! You have been chosen to attend an audition for BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT! Please note that due to the large numbers of people we need to see we are unable to predict how long the audition sessions will last, therefore please allow for the possibility of being at the venue for a considerable amount of time (this may include queuing and filming outside of the venue, please make sure you wrap up warm). We advise you to allow plenty of time to get to your audition. Feel free to bring along family and friends for support, the more the merrier!

Oh my giddy aunt! This was most unexpected. They wanted us to attend an audition at the Emirates stadium on 18 November. Now, this wasn’t the audition that you see on the telly this was a kind of pre audition audition. It turns out that contrary to how it is portrayed on the box there is a considerable amount of sorting the wheat from the chaff before they let you near the cameras. So, first things first, on the blower to Kaputnik, the other half of the duo. After thinking about it overnight Kaputnik declined to take part – he didn’t want to be part of the Simon Cowell media manipulation machine. This was fair enough as none of us believed that it would actually get to this stage but there was later a bit of trouble when Kaputnik was worried that the manipulation machine would steal The Egg Song and use it conquer the charts. Luckily common sense prevailed and Kaputnik granted permissions for the song to be used. Now I was a bit stuffed – a duo with only one person. I asked two other members of the band, who I shall call Wakeman and Oldfield, but they too declined to be involved. So I decided I would go alone, as a solo duo....

Poached

So about the ‘audition’. I got there at about 12.30, egg head in a black sack. There was a long queue of people being ‘processed’. I was surrounded by hundreds of hopeful candidates – including some real weird inbred families.

It was hard to work out what a lot of these people would be doing. I suppose the same could be said of me with my mysterious egg shaped black sack... Some acts were more obvious, like the roller skating medieval mandolin playing buxom wench in front of me. And the seemingly endless supply of Michael Jackson lookalikes... Eventually I was ‘processed’, had my number stuck on me and was led into the holding chamber.  I felt a little depressed as I was surrounded dancing groups and serious young ‘singer songwriters’. There seemed to be a large proportion of middle aged women, bored housewives types, one I spoke too was just treating it as a day out away from the kids and old man. I couldn’t see many novelty acts. There was a bumbling Sikh gentleman bashing people with his tabla drums. A drunken northern ‘poet’ briefly chatted to me and I met a dog that made breakfast, but there was not much else of interest. I had yet to remove the egg costume from its bag.  I was seriously thinking of leaving when we all got herded outside to do some faked shots of us ‘arriving’ at the audition. These are the ones that they will show on the telly to make look as if we are arriving at the audition and going straight onto the stage in front of the judges. It was out here in the cold November air that I first donned the egghead, I had an epiphany moment. I realised that I could and should do this ridiculous act and from then on I felt much better about things. The Eggman was revealed, much to the bemusement of the other acts out there. We had to troop up the stairs past the camera acting as if we had just arrived at the venue. We had, of course, been sat there for 2 hours plus with nothing to do. It pleased me greatly that just in front of me was a pretentious young, long haired singer-songwriter type. It did not please him that if they use the footage of him he will have the Eggman lumbering up behind him…

Boiled

So at about 4pm I finally got called to the audition. I hurriedly got the egg costume back on and followed the young chap who called my name. I had no nerves about this really as I had done this kind of thing on stage many times before. The auditions were in a series of rooms and we had to wait on chairs outside until we were called.

In front of me for my room were 2 teenage girl singers and a jolly fat lady who looked a bit like Susan Boyle. This was the third time she had auditioned for BGT and she informed me she might sing Right Said Fred (the Bernard Cribbins classic). After me was a girl with her dad. So they went in one by one and you could hear them singing through the door. They were all very good – but they all came out saying they had been told no. In the room next door an oldish man, in a bowler hat and bright waistcoat, with a puppet went in to audition. I thought this might be a good omen. So in I went, egg costume on. Before me were two child junior producers – they seemed incredibly young. What could they have thought of this middle aged man in a sinister egg costume? After a bit of banter I began. I did a two minute version of the song – Egg intro, chorus, verse, chorus and then one more verse in which I did an ‘egg’ dance.

I rather enjoyed it, I had rehearsed for two hours the day before and again for about half an hour in the morning. Thank god the CD played… I had seen them writing notes on bits of paper. They then informed me that they wanted me to go to stage 2 as they liked it so much – this I thought was quite exciting. So it turns out that this was yet another filtering process. I had to go and be filmed in front of a proper producer chap (older BBC type in a suit. 20 years ago he would have smoked a pipe). There was also endless form filling which I rushed as I wanted to go home, to be honest. So I had to do it all again – they film these stage 2 auditions so they can review them to decide if you should go to be humiliated in front of the judges. The producer chap asked me some stupid questions (“Why do like dressing up as an egg?”). I kind of struggled with the answer – I didn’t really know why I did these things. I then repeated the act as I was filmed and the producer chap stared, expressionless. I was told as I left that I would hear in February if they wanted me for the proper scary AntDecCowell filmed show. I think I did alright getting to the stage 2 audition, as I said many people got thrown out at stage 1. It’s a good song and I think I performed it well so I was hopeful for news in February.

You will be pleased to know that old bowler hatted puppet man also got through to stage 2…

Nog

So about a month later the following email arrives from a gentleman by the name of Alan Riches, a researcher or something like that:

"I am happy to inform you that you have made it onto the shortlist to take part in the next round of the programme. Congratulations, however this is not a confirmed audition and we do reserve the right to withdraw an audition at any point of the audition process. The next round is televised and is in front of the celebrity panel and a theatre filled with people. The audition will take place between the 18^th January and the 14^th February 2014. The city you audition in may not necessarily be the city you originally auditioned in, I will talk to you about this and give you the exact details of your auditions but please keep yourself available for this period of time."

Egad! This seemed to confirm that they wanted the Eggman to appear on the show! After a few emails and filling out of the SAME form that I had filled out twice already and a lengthy phone call covering the SAME information from the form it looked likely that I was to appear. They repeat the caveat endlessly that it is not confirmed bit. I guess they do this in case you turn out to be a serious nutter and it makes it easier to get rid of you. It took ages for them to confirm the actual date they wanted me – did they really think that I could keep a whole month free waiting for them to give me date? I am a very busy man you know...

Finally about a week before the date of 12 February was confirmed. Showtime...

McMuffin

Forgive me whilst I digress from the narrative briefly to muse on the nature of appearing on these shows. This show is staged and carefully edited to show the acts they want to progress in the best light. For example they film a load of shots of the audience in a ‘standing ovation’ or booing so they can insert them at any point thus creating their own narratives that are different to what actually happened. If you are going into this you need to realise that lots of stuff is decided beforehand and it is not as spontaneous as it looks on the telly. A lot of the acts are professionals with agents who get them into shows like this. The silly acts like myself have limited chances to progress – they will let a couple through to the next round but mainly they will make you look ridiculous and humiliate you. I understood this and was fine with this prospect – sadly though I suspect many do not realise this. Having said that I believed my act could entertain for a couple of minutes so I had a bit of hope. I had a hope that David Walliams would like it as it was in his realm of the ridiculous. In fact it is believed that in the 1990’s he was present at a Dylan Rabbit (the band I am in that performs this nonsense at increasingly irregular intervals) gig in central London. How wrong I was...

Green with ham

I turned up to Hammersmith Town Hall at 8.30am on Wednesday 12 February as instructed. The Missus and the Boy and the Girl were with me to enjoy the day. There was barely anyone around and so began the first of many hours of ‘waiting around’. First we filmed some shots of us ‘arriving’ at the venue, in full costume of course. It was extremely unlikely that I would have really arrived wearing an enormous papier-mâché egg head... In the holding room some more contestants were arriving. The self styled ‘King of Karaoke’ was treated like he was a hot favourite. He was from Greece and they filmed us having a long conversation, acting as if we were old friends. The producers told us what to say. Thus began a day of whizzing around doing a ton of film bits. An interview with the director, some stuff with the camp showbiz guy from ‘Daybreak’ and a spot with Stephen Mulhearne who does the ITV 2 show that follows the main one. He did of course joke around at my expense – but how could he not faced with this monstrous egg creation before him? This is what he does and, like I mentioned previously, you need to realise this is what you are signing up for. If they mark you out as joke act or talentless then they can be merciless in their treatment of you. But I was ok with it; I have done far more ridiculous stuff on stage before.

Back in the holding room it was hard to work out if some people were acts or ‘friends and family’. Or perhaps they were just weirdo’s who had just wandered in. It seemed to be mainly singers and dance groups – the odd nervous looking magician. Nobody seemed to stand out as much as The Eggman, who aroused a great deal of interest. I was called to the Hammersmith Apollo at 12.30 – not for the audition but to do some more filming backstage. It was there that I saw the enormity of the place and felt a little daunted. It was empty and the red crosses that the judges light up were huge. They filmed me again talking to some boy band for some reason and then they rigged me up in camera device I dubbed ‘the eggcam’ – this showed me at the venue as if from the point of view of The Eggman. I then got ferried back to the town hall only to be ferried back to the Apollo about half an hour later for the show. I was to be on just after 3 pm – the second act on... Yikes!

Foo yung

So there I was, backstage with half an hour to go. The family had been installed in special seats with cameras trained on them. I could hear the dreadful warm up man and the judges being introduced. Strangely enough I felt no nerves – I had been there so long that, to be frank, I just wanted to get it over with. I hoped that my silly little ditty might win over the audience…

There was one more briefing from one of the endless supply of assistant producers. I had been wearing the egg head for some time now and it was starting to feel uncomfortable. Some other acts were gathering for their moment in the spotlight. There was an Asian guy on first who had been carrying around a load of paper and an ancient computer in a battered bag. Apparently he was to do some dancing. There was a girl band, a man on crutches and a boy pianist in a white frock coat. The Asian guy went on stage. From behind the curtains I could hear some banter, then some kind of kerfuffle and he was off. No buzzers or anything. Apparently his backing tape had failed so he had to leave the stage. This meant that essentially I was to be the first act they would see proper…

I ambled over to AntDec to film the pre stage banter. I couldn’t hear too well encased in the egg head, nor could I see too good as I had taken my glasses off. AntDec seemed to be an amiable pair. They sent me onto the stage…

The sheer enormity of the crowd struck me and I could just make out Mrs Egg and the Eglets in the audience. The four judges looked a bit fuzzy. Amanda asked the initial questions, I have no idea what they were or what I answered. Walliams looked bored, slumped in his seat. Simon piped up and was as you would expect, a bit of an ********. He asked if I was serious. There I was dressed as an egg standing in front of a crowd of thousands and he asked if I was serious. Of course I was!

And so my backing music started and I began the Here Comes The Eggman. The crowd seemed to be clapping along at first but quite quickly a buzzer sounded. The noise was immense and rumbling – you really don’t get a sense of how loud it is on the telly. Suddenly the crowd seemed to be chanting “Off, off, off!” Another buzzer followed quickly by another. Only Amanda was holding out. Simon leaned over and made her press the dreaded buzzer and that was it. I was out. It lasted anything between 30 seconds and a minute. They hated it. The Eglets were in tears. I stood on stage waiting for someone to say something. None of them said anything. They just stared at me. Simon made some sort of gesture with his hand to indicate for me to get off stage. So off I went deflated and defeated.

AntDec concurred with me that the judges had been a bit harsh and in a strange mood. I think it was a quick sending off even by BGT’s usual standards. I was ushered to another holding cell as they wanted me to film some more stuff for the BGT 2 show. After a while the King of Karaoke turned up, he too had been a failure but he had let it get to him in a big way. Some kind of laddish band turned up and they were furious saying they had been made to “...look like mugs…” Like I said before you really need to go into this realising that they can be ruthless in their portrayal of you. So, anyway, it was off to Stephen Mulhearne for some more banter/humiliation and then off home I hoped. I was tired and really wanted to get away but they wanted some more filming – this time dancing in front of the BGT logo. It was a bit like torture, I felt like I couldn’t leave until they had drained me of every last drop of energy.

I was tired, hungry, deflated and the costume I wore made me come out in a rash. Finally I got to leave…

Herzog

So, there we have it. It was over – now to wait and see how they make me come across on the telly –  like some kind of retarded idiot I expect (if they show it at all). I sometimes think instead of going to the bother of trying to sing an original song I might as well have run around wailing like a loon and shat on the stage. It probably would have got a standing ovation.

Would I do it again? Most certainly not – it was everything I suspected it would be and more. I feel sorry for the folk who don’t realise how they will be manipulated by the Cowell Media Machine…

 

Davy Jones' Locker

With the sad news last week that Davy Jones of the Monkees has died, I thought it was time for world to see this forgotten tribute act.

Sometime in the 1990's (the exact year evades my ageing addled mind) members of the Dylan Rabbit pop group formed Davy Jones' Locker (what else could it be called?) performing only those tracks from the Monkees sung by the great man himself. We played one gig at festival in Sutton, South London. My memory seems to recall that we played some or all of the gig to an empty tent, but looking back at the video there seems to be applause coming from somewhere so perhaps it wasn't as bad as I remembered.

The songs performed were not necessarily the most well known songs that he sung on, no Daydream Believer here, but 'I Wanna Be Free', 'Changes', 'The Party' and the spoken word obscurity ' Theme for a New Love'. The grand finale is the incredibly complex 'Someday Man'. I don't think this song was ever meant to be sung live...

As you will see and hearwhat we lack in musical clarity we more than make up for in verve and enthusiasm for the subject matter....

Sadly Mr Jones never saw our only performance or, as far as I know, ever heard of us. I am sure he would have enjoyed it. Probably. Surely he would have chuckled at the Davy Jones cardboard puppet?

So for the first time since that gig (1990 something, exact year unknown) I present Davy Jones Locker..... Please excuse the quality, it was filmed on an ancient now obselete videographic recording device.

(Also available on You Tube)

Welcome to Hounslow!

Just thirty minutes away from London's west end you will find the idyllic tourist town of Hounslow. Enjoy the sites, sounds and smells that are Hounslow in this recently discovered travelogue...